Jealous Much?

I read this while procrastinating on homework yesterday and just found it interesting, so I figured I'd share it. Another rip from Matt MacDonald's Jet City Filter.

Why We Need Jealousy

I'm in my car yesterday and there's this doctor on the radio talking about a series of research studies he did on relationships. The host asks him about studies on open-relationships of straight people (for those of you who don't know, an open-relationship is one where you get to sow your seed all over town as long as you come home to your main-squeeze), and the doc replies,


"Well, we actually haven't been able to do any studies on them. When we made appointments with open couples it was often the case that they had broken up by the time they were scheduled to come in. So I assume, from that data, that these types of relationships lack stability."


Of course, this is no surprise to us. Anyone who has listened to good 'ol Dr. Drew Lapinsky knows that the best way to get divorced/break-up is to 'de-exclusify' your sex life. That's not morals or religious doctrine talking, that's scientific fact. When people do this, trust is replaced with it's antithesis; jealousy, and jealousy quickly corrodes any healthy relationship.


When the doctor on this program was asked what it would take to have successful, long term open-relationships between a man and a woman he said,


"It would take two very amazing people. It is an amazing person who can resist jealousy for a long period of time."


He went on to say that 100% of gay couples that last 35+ years are open, because they get less jealous and are more honest with each other, and straight couples have a lot to learn from gay couples.


At this point I choked on my Diet Coke.


I'm a pretty liberal guy, and I have close friends who are gay and I love them and they know it. So let me preface this by saying I have no qualms with the stats the good doctor quoted, I'm assuming they're quite true. But I have something to learn from people who don't feel jealousy? Really?


What I have a problem with is the crackpot idea that an exclusive relationship is an antiquated institution, and that in order to be truly enlightened we should be able to do whatever we want and not have jealousy enter into the picture.


Is it really AMAZING when someone's spouse messes around on them and they don't feel jealous? Or is it inhuman?... In my opinion if your spouse is a philanderer and you're not jealous, you need some serious counseling and perhaps a professional to test you for a heartbeat and a spine.


The problem with this post-modern thinking is that the purveyors of it believe they are taking on traditional social structures that are out-dated, like we all should take cues from folks who feel nothing in order to have their cake and eat it too. What people like this doctor are implying is that these folks get to follow every sexual impulse, and thats a good thing because those are natural, where as feeling jealousy is bad because jealousy is primitive. They think they're progressing out of mindless tradition, but I believe they're actually messing with nature.


And when you mess with nature it always ends badly.


The reason we feel jealousy is because it fills the void that trust leaves. Without trust, jealousy enters. We need trust because trust breeds intimacy, and we all long to be intimate, to have our true selves known completely and loved anyways.


We all want to be known and loved despite our faults. This is a primary need for a human to survive, it's the heart of community. This is completely natural and has been for thousands of years. Without jealousy there is no true intimacy because there is no true trust. So why do some think in our modern age that we can rise above it? And more importantly, what are our motives for "rising above" jealousy? I'd argue that they are purely selfish and immoral and damaging to all things pure and good, but that's just me.


Jealousy is natural. You can't breed or train or counsel this out of the human psyche. So contrary to what the doctor said I don't believe I have anything to learn in the way of jealousy, other than perhaps what not to do. It doesn't matter to me that 100% of gay relationships that are 35 years and counting are open.


All that tells me is that they've sacrificed the potential of true intimacy with one person to have plastic intimacy with dozens.


That lack of jealousy comes at too high of a cost. The motives behind such thinking are selfish, and selfishness will quickly make shallow the depth in any relationship. I pity these folks (straight or gay), because they've traded the kind of beauty and depth of true intimacy (that I've personally experienced) for something fast and cheap.


Without jealousy there is no trust, and without trust there is no intimacy, and without intimacy you're just rubbing skin together.


That doesn't seem enlightened to me, it seems entitled. Progressing doesn't happen when you invest in the temporary gratification of impulse. Any Grandpa still married to Grandma with loving kids and grandkids will tell you that progress is the lasting, unspeakable peace that comes from fortitude and integrity.

I just found this today...

I just found out today that Matt MacDonald of The Classic Crime has a blog. I now feel like I have a lot of catching up to do. Anyways... this is just one of his posts that I found interesting and figured I'd share it. I ripped the entire thing from his blog The Jet City Filter. I found the perspective to be quite interesting so I'm sharing it with you.

Profanity vs. Slang

I grew up in a family of ten, so punishment had to come swift for dissenters like myself. The nature of most large families is this: the younger the children the stricter the rules. In my conservative Christian family the rules were especially strict, and when I was young I would get a spanking for even minor offenses like saying the words "shut-up" to my siblings. "Shut-up"(basically slang for "be quiet") was seen as harsh, profane and unruly, and was usually shouted out of desperation in situations where "be quiet" fell on deaf ears. Nevertheless, we were usually spanked if not sent to our rooms for such outbursts of emotional discontent. To my parents credit we were also spanked for saying things like "damn you," which I would usually scream at my older brother after a few hours of torture, at which point he would gleefully tattle-tale, laughing as my punishment ensued. He was a bit of a sadist. The phrase "damn you" is not only a curse word, its actually a curse. The curser is in a sense condemning the cursed to hell. My six year old mind had no idea of the blasphemy I was speaking, but I knew it sounded bad and it seemed to express the fullness of my rage. When our family got older, "shut-up" became a widely used, legitimate reaction towards someone who was purposely being loud or abrasive with the intent of victimizing those in ear-shot. "Damn you," never caught on as an accepted form of expression.

My point is, "shut-up" was slang for something else, something widely accepted, and slang can be adopted (depending on the culture of your community) to express a more intense level of the original words meaning, but "damn you" is just plain profanity, willfully directed at someone with the intent of condemning their eternal soul to hell.

The older I became, the more I travelled, the more people I met, the more cultures I experienced, the more I came to accept certain slang expressions that as a child I would have been spanked for. While in certain company I'd hear these forbidden utterances used for wonderful descriptive purposes and feel no shame upon hearing them. The culture saw them only as expressions to articulate the point. The company, in a sense, can tend to dictate the vocabulary.

I'm not saying that one should not be principled. Sometimes the chameleon strategy will compromise the integrity of your faith and your convictions. Anything that will jeopardize the integrity of your word is not a good thing. For those who have convictions which inspire separate, monk-like vocabularies, I applaud you. I respect conviction. It falls on different people in different ways at different times, and it is key to not disregard it. However, there are certain words that get lumped in with "swearing" or "profanity" that I feel can take on different meanings based on the cultural context in which they're used. These terms I define as "slang," much like "shut-up." I want to break down the difference between "shut-up" and "damn you." I want to try to understand the difference between profanity and slang.

Slang can be defined as dialect, jargon, or colloquialisms (ie "bling" is accepted slang for jewelry). No definition of slang involves blasphemy or obscenity. Profanity, however, is often defined as blasphemous, obscene, irreverent, etc. Language becomes profane when it is used with irreverence towards God, or as a weapon against our neighbor (who God calls us to love). Because of my convictions, I never want to be viewed as irreverent towards God (especially in the company of those who don't believe in God). Regardless of the company I'm in, I want to be known as somebody who takes seriously the implications of using profanity, especially for someone of my faith. For the purpose of examining this topic I will probably use some language that you (the reader) might deem profane, so you should know that I do not use this language with offensive intent, but rather for "research" purposes.

I know there are plenty of verses in the Bible about speaking kindly and non-offensively, so I hope you read this in the humblest of ways. For the sake of "research" I want to break some of these slang terms down, however, I understand there is a chance I will still offend someone. Let's say for a second you weren't worried about your kids hearing a "bad word," or you weren't afraid of your parents finding out you were reading one, or you weren't concerned with what your friends thought about your spiritual life. Let's say for a second you didn't care about all that extraneous shit. Let's just say you really wanted to develop a healthy non-religious understanding of the English language. You'll notice I just said "shit." I said it instead of "stuff." If this blog wasn't about slang, I probably wouldn't have put it there, because it didn't need to be there to articulate my point. I essentially chose to call your worries "shit" instead of "stuff." You probably felt some emotion when you read it. Maybe you interpreted it as an expression of my intense distaste for worry, or perhaps you just felt shock. I'll admit it was sort of exuberantly shocking to write it. What is "shit" anyways? A harsh word for "poop?" An abrupt term for "stuff"? The two words mean the same thing, it's just that one has a more negative, emotional connotation than the other. Veterans don't talk about being in the "stuff" in Korea, because "stuff" can also have good connotations. The Korean War was worse than "stuff." You can get a bunch of stuff for Christmas, or ship a bunch of supplies and stuff to Haiti for relief. Shit, however, is never positive (unless you're from a culture which lacks descriptive terms for good things and chooses to use "cool as shit" or "you're the shit" as positive expressions). Shit is a bad situation. It's the mess an animal makes at your expense. You never step in "stuff," stinky and oozing all over your car door and floor mats. That isn't stuff, that isn't even poop. Poop is something that babies do, or well behaved doggies on walks with their bag handling masters. Shit is the mess an animal makes, its negative through and through, and a very uniquely descriptive word in my opinion. No other word can properly explain the meaning. You can say that someone is lying, or that they are full of garbage, but nothing will interpret better your distaste for lying when you refer to their lies simply as "bullshit."

I know some of you might be flabbergasted already, and might even be more horrified to know that I'm going to bring the Bible into this topic. I've never really had a filter so here goes... Philippians 3:8 says, "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"

There are a lot of places I could take that verse, but since this is a discussion about language I'll stick to the topic at hand. Paul uses the word "rubbish." Some translations use "dung." In original Greek the word used is skuvbalon. Skuvbalon is used very rarely in popular Greek text and used only in context with emotionally charged topics, usually when the author wishes to invoke revulsion in his audience. In other words, its a harsh, revolting term for animal excrement, used to disgust the reader. It's slang. Rubbish and dung are words that do not shock or disgust me, however, if the word was interpreted to "bullshit," it would probably be a more accurate translation from the Greek. It's probably closer to what Paul was so adamantly expressing. Rubbish at some point might have meant something terribly revolting in English, maybe dung too... but now they sound like something a British Lord would say after losing money on a horse race. They just can't translate fully the meaning of skuvbalon. Of course, we get the idea of the passage, and I'm not debating the accuracy of the translation... I'm merely saying the original word that Paul used had more revolting and shocking connotations than the "proper English" translation.

Of course, there are certain cultural norms that one must follow. You cannot go around offending people and expect them to respect you and listen to your convictions. You probably shouldn't try using slang with grandma, or at your church, because chances are those folks have pretty strict guidelines against the use of such words. Paul also says, "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:3) So one should never try to be offensive. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't have a stroke every time you hear a slang term in a descriptive context. The motives are rarely defiant... it's usually just cultural differences.

I remember my dad used to pick up a group of kids from the projects and take them to Sunday school. Sometimes I would ride along in the front seat of our Pontiac station wagon as we went to pick these kids up. One day as we exited the station wagon at the church, one of the kids stepped in dog poop. "He stepped in crap!" another kid yelled, and they all started laughing, "Awwww gross! Crap man! It's crap!" I was horrified. "Crap" was a word you could get the belt for in my house. I remember watching my dad, expecting him to get really angry with these kids. He did nothing, in fact, he laughed a little and told the kid to wipe it off before he went inside.

Culturally we used different language, and my dad understood that. He wasn't shocked by it, although if it came out of my mouth it'd be more than a "talking-to" I'd get. We were expected to speak differently in our family and church. Our cultural standard for slang was different, but it didn't make theirs wrong.

So there you have it, my two cents on the functionality of slang, when used in proper context and company I have no problem with it. Now let me tell you how this applies to my current life.

The Classic Crime is a band that tries to play for everyone. We pride ourselves in having a diverse audience of people from all walks of life. Music is a universal language after all, and we never want to form some exclusive, singular sub-culture with our fan-base. We try to attract all cultures. However, sometimes those different cultures clash. Some fans, when commenting on our Facebook or Myspace pages, will say "You guys are fucking awesome!" Sometimes other, more conservative fans will chastise them for their use of "loose language." I feel like the more conservative fans can tend miss the point. The point is that this person thinks we're great. They think we're so great, they're using an extreme word to express it. Perhaps they do not share the same faith, convictions, or doctrine, and perhaps the term "fucking awesome" is used quite frequently in their homes as an expression that is used to refer to something as "extremely good." We don't know, but what we do know is that they aren't saying, "You guys fucking suck!" Which can then be interpreted as profanity because the language is being used as a weapon, or an extreme expression of hatred against us. This, in no culture, can be justified as a useful thing (even though we try to accept those profane criticisms with love as well).

I always read the comments like, "You guys are fucking awesome!" with a clean conscience. Not only that, but I love that those types of people are listening to our music. The words that hurt me are the words that ignorantly and profanely involve God in some way. No matter where I am or who I'm with those words are like nails on a chalkboard. The people who say them never bother me, really, because usually they're folks who have no idea what they are talking about, but their words can tend to make me wince. I believe that God loves us incredibly, so it hurts when someone He loves chooses to use His name as a description for something negative or an attack on their neighbor. This is where words can clash with my convictions. Slang rarely convicts me (and only when used out of context), but profanity always feels icky, in any context. To me, anyways.

Congratulations for making it this far. I hope this post was informative for you, or at least a peek into my "worldly" perspective. The circles I run in aren't the most refined, but I think sometimes refinement is over-rated and holds no "big picture" value. I like to keep company with people who have honest convictions, love without excuses and say what they really feel. With that sentiment in mind, I'll finish this blog.

"Umbly" is an annoying word...

But I'm not writing to complain. I'm here to share with you something that was shared with me in my Interpersonal Communications class. This devotional gave me a unique look at humility and how it can be taken too far or used as a cop-out.

"This devotional really speaks to our comparison to others and the effect it has on our self-concept. I hope it makes you think/pray about how God sees you -- not how you compare to others. On the Journey Toward Humility by Larry Gillick Uriah Heep, in David Copperfield, keeps repeating that he’s an “Umble man”. He turns out to be anything but humble. He uses that mask to achieve selfish ends. Humble comes from the Latin word for dirt or earth’s soil. Being humble has something to do with being as simple and honest and dignified as the soil. It is what it is and nothing more or less. By contrast, inferiority is an excuse, or a self-diminishment resulting from “compare-a-sinning”. If we are frightened of entering into the adventure of the new or the unfamiliar, we can excuse ourselves by “umbly” assuming the mask of not being adequate. The sin of comparing ourselves with others will keep us always under the umbrella of sad safety. In this lifestyle we judge the gifts of others as better than anything we might have. We also live in fear of others judging us in the same negative manner. The sin of this comparing is that we end up denying that we have anything good at all. We also prevent ourselves being gifts in the lives of anybody else. We are of the earth, but not defined totally by the earth. Humility is the peaceful state of honest acceptance of how my earthliness can give growth to others. Pride has to do with creating ourselves. We walk the road to humility with our feet on the earth and our identities given us by the Creator – who sees everything as good and humans as very good."

This taught me that if you always compare yourself to everyone else and what they can do, you are failing yourself and the people around you. Everyone has strengths, and everyone has weaknesses. It's important to recognize your own strengths and use them to the best of your ability. When you focus on what you can't do or what you wish you could do, instead of what you excel at, you're letting yourself and those around you down. I tried to find a link to Kevin Max's song Be, but it seems non-existent. I thought it fit well with this post though. (Even though 50% of my subscribers find him annoying.)

I wish I could live where the sea meets the land...

Nothing to really say right now... but here's three songs.

History can't be undone...

Last Sunday I sat through a sermon titled The Good, the Bad, and the Saved. I guess it was a fairly simple sermon, but it's something that has really stuck with me. Paul's view was used several times throughout this. First for when he was "at his best." "...If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless." -Philippians 3:4-6. Paul is also shown "at his worst." "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life." -1 Timothy 1:15-16. Paul is saying that he has been at the very top and also the very bottom. If salvation could be earned through works and the law, he would have it. He also realizes, however, that even when he was at his worst, he could still be saved. Letting go of the past can be really hard, but it's not worth holding on to when all it is is dead weight you force yourself to drag around. A line I liked from the sermon was, "Don't hold on to what God has let go and forgotten."
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;  though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. -Isaiah 1:18
"You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." -Micah 7:19
"...[A]s far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." -Psalm 103:12
 ♪History can't be undone, but it can be erased.♫

Black+White=Grey

Welcome to the first blog post of yours truly. Thank you for coming. You may be seated.

This post is inspired by lyrics from Everything & Nothing by The Classic Crime. I've been meaning to post something eventually but couldn't think of anything worthwhile. But this is something that worked its way out of my cerebrum tonight, and it seems good enough for sharing.

♪Everything is dark inside the whitest lie. When you take the truth in every half truth, you take the grey over the black and white.♫ A lie is a lie. Half truth has truth in it. But it's not whole. As white and seemingly harmless as a lie can seem, it is still a lie. In reality it's black and distorts truth. You don't have the whole picture. If you take the truth in every half truth, you're not getting the whole thing. It becomes a blur and muddled and it's grey. It's tough to distinguish between the truth and the fiction.

♪Everything is white inside the blackest truth.♫ The truth can be ugly. It can be harsh and a tough pill to swallow. But it's the truth. It's reality. And ignoring it or twisting it doesn't change it or make it go away. It is what it is. But it's white. It's pure and it's honest and real. You can know what it is and see what you're really facing. Sometimes it really hurts. A lot. But you can see it for what it really is and deal with it as it needs to be. It's not always easy but it's real and it's what's right.